he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My pussy is not your playground.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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