I will die if light touches me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
