3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
ugly people sure do ruin things
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
