a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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