We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize