What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
