How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize