Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
