something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
