We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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