Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
