thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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