erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
