between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize