Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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