I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
