So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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