I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
