He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
