He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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