my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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