Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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