Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
