How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
