Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
