the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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