hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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