I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
