Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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