I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There's always time for handjobs
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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