I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He passed out mid-signature
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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