take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
