Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
