Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
