hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
