My Higher Power is John Stamos
one might say we're banned from that church
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize