i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
