dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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