My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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