The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
