don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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