I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
