Porn is love you can see.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize