No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
