Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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