if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
are you so shy because you have an std?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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