I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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