I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
