I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
