I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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