In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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