As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
