I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
