how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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