So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
