sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
