Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
