How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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