Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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