Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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