I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
