Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
