theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
