What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize