2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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